I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
