Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
