i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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