I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
