tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
