Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The beer is more important than you right now.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
