And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
