the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she pinky promised me she was 18
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
