if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize