***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
