my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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