I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize