Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
