Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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