My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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