Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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