Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
