His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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