Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Let's get the cat blown out
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
