i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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