He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
