well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
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