he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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