I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize