I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
