It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
being pregnant is like rehab
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
