This dress was meant to end up on your floor
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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