you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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