I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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