Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
