even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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