During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
