Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
