Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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