While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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