I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
