Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
