Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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