I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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