I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You pole danced in your parka.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize