I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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