And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
