So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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