Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
