me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
