Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
