You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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