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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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