I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
