I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I think your dad took our porno
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
