i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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