I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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