Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
