Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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