i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
