these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Im part way to drunk.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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