dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize