Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
