last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
