it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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