ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
