I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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