Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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