Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize