There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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