So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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