At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Betty ford says i'm here all night
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
