the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
