I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
