I bet he comes in French.
now i know why i became what i already was.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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