you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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