I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
