So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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