my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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