I want to make a zoo with you.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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