she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
