I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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